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Dumb Rules
After recovering from my midlife crisis I was left owning a reasonably expensive motorbike which I don’t ride much these days as I tend to fall off it a bit. This not only hurts, it’s not exactly the “cool look” that I’d envisaged, but recent car troubles forced me to drag it from the shed to get to work. Even though I was running late I decided to stop for fuel to be safe, (I’d done the rock the bike from side to side thing that I’d seen bikies do but I still have no idea on how to convert petrol tank splooshing sounds into a projected fuel range).
After filling the bike I went in to pay when the service station attendant said, “You gotta take your helmet off.”
I quipped, “What!? I can’t hear you mate, I got my helmet on.”
Not getting my hilarious attempt at humour he replied, “You-have-to-take-your-helmet-off,” while gesturing taking a helmet off.
I said, “Give us a break mate, I’m running late for work.”
Unpertu
rbed that I could now apparently “hear” him the attendant replied, “I’m not allowed to serve you if you’re wearing a helmet.”
rbed that I could now apparently “hear” him the attendant replied, “I’m not allowed to serve you if you’re wearing a helmet.”So I reasoned, “Well if you can’t serve me then how do I pay for the petrol?”
The poor bloke had to have a think about this for a moment. Finally he shrugged and allowed the transaction.
The whole concept is incredibly dumb as it’s hardly likely that anyone who is going to hold up any establishment that has a “No Helmet” sign would actually heed this restriction. It’s a pointless policy! A “No Weapons” sign would be just as lamely effective without discriminating against lazy bikers.
It’s a bit like the stores that reserve the “right” to inspect your bags. The slight pro
blem being is that they have no right to inspect anything! Just because something is written on a sign doesn’t make it enforceable and I’m a bit surprised that most of us have so readily accepted having our honesty randomly questioned by submitting to this when leaving a store. It’s a pointless intrusion anyway! Even if a store item is revealed they have no way of knowing if you’ve nicked it or if it had been previously purchased. The burden of proof is on them, you’ve totally complied with their dumb rules so you have no obligation to justify what’s in your bag.
blem being is that they have no right to inspect anything! Just because something is written on a sign doesn’t make it enforceable and I’m a bit surprised that most of us have so readily accepted having our honesty randomly questioned by submitting to this when leaving a store. It’s a pointless intrusion anyway! Even if a store item is revealed they have no way of knowing if you’ve nicked it or if it had been previously purchased. The burden of proof is on them, you’ve totally complied with their dumb rules so you have no obligation to justify what’s in your bag.When they ask to check my wife’s bags she usually says no and continues on without incident but this tactic could get you “banned” from the store, (although I have no idea how they’d enforce it). There’s also a train of thought that refusing a bag inspection could lead to the retailer suing for breach of condition of entry but in the real world that’s not going to happen.
There is obvious profiling with this dumb rule as being a fair sized naturally cranky looking old bloke with a shaved head and goatee I tend not to get pulled up very often. In fact it’s been a couple of years since I was last approached...
It was one of the many occasions where my laziness outweighed my principles and I slinked into Bunnings to buy a few things. As I was struggling from the store with my arms full I was pulled up by a young lass asking to see my receipt. Dang! I’d forgotten about this dumb requirement so in response I tilted my pelvis slightly towards her and said the receipt was in my right front jeans pocket. She had a quick glance down and grimaced, “Err, that’s alright sir... Have a nice day!” On my way out I mused to myself, “It could have been!”
And that’s the thing! Even though the staff that are tasked to attempt to enforce this dumb rule don’t deserve our ire they can still be used for our amusement. A warped mind could think of any number of freaky things you could plant in your bag to freak out inspectors but a good verbal response also can be just as entertaining. My favourite is, as store staff aren’t allowed to touch your belongings they have to ask you to open your bag and sometimes move around the contents. This is when you announce that this will attract an “inspection facilitation fee” of $10. If pushed you can justify this by stating that you are willing to submit your bag for inspection as per the condition of entry but you’ve reserved the right to charge this fee to compensate for the imposition and indignity of the said condition.
Other amusing responses that may create second thoughts on conducting a bag inspection can be...
“Sure, but there’s a couple of things in there that I don’t feel comfortable in showing you. Is there any chance that we can get someone closer to my age to do this? Preferably with prostate problems too.”
“Sure, but there’s a couple of things in there that I don’t feel comfortable in showing you. If you must you have to promise you won’t judge me or my fetish.”
“I’m flattered but I’m married/not gay” (Keep repeating similar when cued)
“It’s not my bag, I just popped in here on my way to the police station to hand it in.”
“Is this because I’m black/Asian/Tasmanian?”
“Phew! ... OK but this will be my first test of dealing with confrontation since I stopped taking my medication.”
Please note: Jack’s legal expertise is based only on watching the complete boxed set of ‘Boston Legal’ which most notably led to his almost God-like reverence of Denny Crane.
| Ben | Nov 15 2010 1:01 PM |
| I work in a retail store and bag checking is a mandatory requirement of all staff if presented the opportunity. It is not that we are specifically questioning each customer's honesty because we personally believe the customer looks dishonest, but simply because it is a company policy. Furthermore, companies lose millions each year in theft, which is determined from their stocktake counts. These sorts of losses result in wages being lowered and lesser budgets for the company's buyers, therefore lesser range and quantity of items for you to buy. Bag checking is a great way of both reducing theft as well as reminding customers that we will not tolerate it. I enjoy your satire, you need to remember that the people that work behind the counter and that stock the shelves are real people too. We're not here to cop your abuse, whether aggressive or passive-aggressive. On a final note, refusing entry to a store is quite easy. Firstly, staff can physically block your path into the store, and as soon as you become aggressive causing them to feel that their safety is threatened, they can call the centre security to remove you from the centre until such time your are calmed. Should it be needed, security guards can physically remove you from the premises, should they feel you are a physical danger to others. Those of us working in retail arent trying to annoy you, we're just trying to work a job so that we can sleep in a warm bed and eat warm food. Many of the young adults are in university too, so before you harass us with your attempted anarchism, remember that most of us are good people and some may even be your doctors in the future. All this being said, I do agree that the helmet rule seems kind of silly, but you could at least flip your visor out of politeness. |
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| Unc | May 25 2010 11:21 AM |
I saw one guy drop a tin of paint at Magnet Mart whilst trying to find the receipt. No sense of humour from either the store management or the poor shrep behind him.
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| Jenny | May 24 2010 5:02 AM |
| thank god for the casual kiwi attitude!!
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| Rick | May 23 2010 7:49 PM |
Blouse bunnies!! Brilliant! i want a couple. do they bite? and more importantly are they easy to feed?
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| Arthur | May 22 2010 11:50 PM |
| I believe that in some places, like america, you will get tazered for that sort of wise ass remarks.
That's shocking!
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| Don, (Dad) | May 21 2010 1:24 PM |
| This is bloody brilliant, where are you getting all these ideas?
I think it's a result of inheriting the smart-arse gene...
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